With all the hoopla surrounding President Obama’s birth certificate, or lack thereof, our writers at All Blogs Considered have come up with a list of ten documents that may be even more damaging to the President’s legitimacy, if he were to reveal them. It is time for President Obama to tell the truth.
1. His dental records – How many cavities has President Obama had? When were his wisdom teeth pulled? These are crucial questions that need answers. For all we know, he could have a whole row of dental implants. He might even be a werewolf. Mr. President, you should disclose your long form dental records, just so we can be sure.
2. His library checkout history – If President Obama wants the United States to really believe he is not Muslim, why has he not simply disclosed his full library checkout history? Then we would know how many times he read the Autobiography of Malcolm X. When he was a kid, was he reading Choose Your Own Adventure or The Qur’an? America wants to know.
3. Notes from former girlfriends – What does the President have to hide that would keep him from revealing high school letters from girlfriends? Did they secretly plan socialist meetings together? Were there references to his lack of authentic American citizenship? America wants to know.
4. His Netflix Queue – What is the first family watching on Netflix? How many times has the President watched “Capitalism: A Love Story”? Are his daughters watching normal shows like Hannah Montana or socialist propaganda like Captain Planet and The Planeteers?
5. His vacation Bible school records – Every red-blooded American went to vacation Bible school (unless he is Muslim of course). If President Obama really wants to help put the hearts of Americans at ease, he should make the full record of his Bible verse memorization and Jesus-related arts and crafts available.
6. Grocery lists – Certain foods will prove his authentic Americaness: meat and potatoes, beer – lots of it, pork of every sort (pork chops, pork rinds, pork loins), BBQ ribs, and apple pie. He should have no objections to revealing his long form lists, unless they include foods like hummus, pita bread, parfait, biryani, and nasi goreng.
7. His full iPod playlist – We all know the official “favorite” music Obama revealed: John Coltrane, Miles Davis, Bob Dylan, The Fugees, Bach, and Stevie Wonder, but what is really on the President’s iPod? Is he really listening to Bob Dylan or Neil Young (a Canadian)? It makes a big difference. America deserves to know the truth about its President.
8. The number of George Foreman grills he’s owned – There are few things more American than the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine, and any true American has gone through at least three of these things. How many has President Obama owned, and why is he keeping it a secret? Did he cook with a George Foreman grill or an Indonesian wok? Do they even use woks in Indonesia? American wants the truth.
9. High school tardy slips – According to Donald Trump, the President was a horrible student. Sure, he can never be late as President, but what about in high school? How many times was he tardy? Did he have to serve Saturday school detention, and how does someone with tardies get into Harvard? It just does not add up.
10. His tollbooth records – He claims he spent all those years living in Chicago. Well, he should reveal his tollbooth records because every American Chicago resident has to pay tolls constantly. Did the President have an I-PASS? Did he pay with change? Did he pay tolls at all?
Until these fundamental questions are answered, how can we truly know the man who is running our country? Is he a full-blooded, pork-eating American who got good grades in vacation Bible school, or an immigrant, hummus-eating Muslim with a socialist library checkout history? It is time for the President to come clean.
Tavis J. Hampton is a senior staff writer for All Blogs Considered and the chief BBQ consultant for dedicated host 34SP.com. He enjoys All-American pasttimes like football and stone skipping.
Tags: All Blogs Considered, birth certificate, documents, George Foreman girlls, girlfriends, humor, iPod, library, Netflix, obama, satire, vacation Bible school
